réflexions sur ma douce vie

On my way home from work tonight, after putting in a tough, high-pressure, 13-hour day, I felt relieved that I am not in a relationship, that I was not coming home to a man. My dear boyfriend would never see me. Imagine the competition that would ensue between him and my work. He'd probably one day come to me with an ultimatum - it's me or your job. He would have every right to do this, because he'd be tired of coming in 4th on my priority list.

But regardless of where he fell in my priority list, rest assured that he would not be last, because I've reserved last place for myself.

It is a sad reality of my life that I am not good to myself. I wear myself out. I push myself too hard. I go to extremes. I do not value comfort for myself. I treat others one thousand times better than myself. I sacrifice for others, I give to others, I focus on others, I spend time on others. I don't give back to myself in kind. It will catch up to me one day. I hope I reverse the habit before it's too late.

Dear Self, I'm so sorry.

Being in love is one of the most thrilling and fulfilling experiences a person can have. (Granted, I also believe that love can be painful, excruciating even, but I am going to focus this entry on the good parts of love.)

My view of the ideal situation is when two people in love partake in a voluntary, committed relationship. But love and a relationship do not always accompany one another. There can be love with no committed relationship - take a platonic friendship for example. There are also relationships where there is no love - like a torturous marriage. But what we do know is that where there is love (real love), there is a relationship, and the potential for extraordinary satisfaction and pleasure.

I've always believed in learning from the experiences of others. (If you can avoid the pain but can learn the lessons from someone who went through it, why not do it?) As a person who believes that true love is the ideal, I've studied the experiences of people in love and love experts so I can try to get it right. There are many hypothesis about what true love requires.

According to Robert Sternberg, true love requires three things:
1. PASSION (excitement, longing, sexual chemistry, attraction, desire, spark) - physical
2. INTIMACY (rapport, connection, closeness, friendship, warmth, affection) - emotional
3. COMMITMENT (devotion, loyalty, respect, fidelity) - cognitive

According to Nathaniel Branden, true love and a successful relationship requires more than three things. The list is too long to include here, but I've collected it based on Dr. Branden's work.

There are some researchers who believe that a large age difference is critical to a successful, loving relationship.

In my experience and based on my observations, if two people are mature, autonomous, healthy adults who do not need one another, who like each other, who share a physical and emotional attraction, compatible goals, who want to do whatever it takes to support one another, and who have fun together...love can be one of the best experiences in life, and can endure.

While some people believe that love has a time limit - that it's just too hard to sustain after a given period of time - I disagree. I believe it is quite possible to stay in love for decades and decades. I want to find this enduring love, and prove the skeptics wrong.

I have a picture in my head of what it means to be a lady. A lady is poised. She is graceful. Everything she does is efortless. (See my prior post on being efortless.) She is well maintained. Well dressed. Neat. Straight posture. Tasteful. Does not carry much. Holds her head up high. Smiles gently. And carries herself lightly. And as Emily Gilmore reminds us, "Don't rush. A lady never rushes." I enjoy observing graceful, elegant women, and will continue to record my observations.

I am mad about Richard Avedon. His fashion photography inspires me more and more every time I look at it and get pulled into his fantasy world.

"Fashion is one of the richest expressions of human desires, ambitions, needs, frailty, insecurity, security. What we wear is an indication of our sense of ourselves. It's a gift."

Below are some fabulous samples. Also, my profile photo is his.

Giraffe

Avedon_Naty-Abascal-and-Ana-Maria-Abascal_web-739871

Seidner_david_2007_70_5

Bassman_barbarakiss72

I have never been married. If you've read any of my entries on marriage, you will know that I don't have the most favorable view of marriage. It's always intrigued me that young women seem to fantasize more about their weddings than understand the reality of marriage. I was not one of those girls who dreamed of my wedding day or kept an album of wedding inspirations before having a boyfriend. I did not dream about a wedding or a marriage. Frankly, I think I am a bigger supporter of divorce than marriage, but that's a topic for another entry on another day.

Picture 3

There are some situations in life that are so vile, they sicken you. So reprehensible and dishonorable, they appall you. So unbearable, they are too much to endure. So unfathomable, you wonder how they are really happening. They cause you to examine and doubt what you believed about people, the world and yourself. They take you places so far from sanity and your comfort zone that you never thought you'd see darkness like this or feel emotional pain this intense.

The worst part about intolerable situations like this--in addition to the daily torture and anguish--is the feeling that you can't get out. You are stuck, and it is not up to you when it will end. For anyone, but especially for people who like certainty, this is crippling.

There may be times when you see the end of the tunnel approaching. The relief can be tremendous, only to quickly find that possibility moving much further away, leaving your hopes slashed. Your sense of stability vanishes. Your sense of a foundation in your life and a future for yourself is shattered.

This can torment a person in dreadful ways. You may see the person you used to be--the cheery, upbeat, sassy, optimistic, fun loving, playful, flirtatious one--moving further away from you. You may fear that she will soon be so far away that you will lose her for good. You may stop smiling and laughing. You may become irritable, grouchy, anti-social. You may stop sleeping. You may lose all confidence in yourself and your ability to survive this. Your heart may pound in your chest all day long. You may feel paralyzed in your life. You may spend your mornings, evenings and weekends weeping. You may wonder if your broken heart will one day stop beating from the anxiety. You may not want it to, but the pressure is so massive that you wonder if your body can literally take much more.

Your entire focus is on this situation ending as quickly as possible. What a tremendous waste of a person's time, talent and energy to focus on this when there is a great big beautiful world out there full of exciting opportunities and positive experiences. And better yet, full of good people who are respectful, ethical, wholesome, and safe. In my opinion, this is one of the greatest tragedies of life.

I am testing the hypothesis that when something is authentic and complete, it is effortless.

There is something magical and satisfying about watching someone who is an expert at their craft or who is a genuine person. They go through life with ease and comfort. Picture a professional ballerina sailing across the stage. A distinguished professor drawing answers out of his students. An elegant woman whose look is breathtaking and simple. There is something about not trying too hard that makes it genuine, trustworthy, and valued.

Then there are people you meet who are so dressed up and accessorized that you wish they had taken Coco Chanel's advice to take some items off before leaving the house. The house, the vacations, the fashion are over the top. They are dripping with pretention. Engaging them is difficult. Conversation is forced. The smile is fake. The interest in others is a front. You can tell by looking at them that it's hard work for them to keep up the image. They are the opposite of effortless.

Watch for the efortless ones. They're special.

This is taboo to say, but I like power. I like having power. I like powerful people. I like things that represent power. But most of all, I like having power. It sounds shallow to like and want power, and I am not comfortable being shallow. So I spent several days last week trying to figure out why I like power.

The reason is that power gives a person options and the ability to change. I prize being able to change. It is important to me that I am agile - that I can be decisive and have options and the ability to change. And also the confidence and skills to land on my feet. If I'm not happy in my life, I want to have the confidence and imagination to change my circumstances. If I am not acting or thinking in ways that make me happy, I want to have the courage and introspection to change myself. If I am not happy in my job, I want to have the money to be able to look for something better. If I am not happy in my relationships, I want to have the backbone to change them or drop them. If I am not happy with how I look or with my health, I want to have the self-discipline to eat better, exercise more and get healthy. If I am bored, I want to have the resources to do something fun and interesting. All of these things represent power to me: confidence, imagination, courage, introspection, money, backbone, self-discipline, resources. Power allows me to change things in my life and also to entertain myself. That's why I like power. It allows a much more interesting life. And interesting is fun. Therefore power is fun. That's why I heart power, and I am proud to say it.

One of the oxymorons of life is a miserable birthday. This year, I celebrated my third worst birthday of all time. I won't get into the complicated reasons as to why. It makes me sad that people have bad birthdays at all. And now I have three under my belt. I hope next year will be better.
 

I enjoy surprises. I especially like it when people surprise me.

I tend to be overly analytical (in case you haven't noticed, ahem). For the people in my life, this means I am usually analyzing them at some level of consciousness. I don't mean to do it - my brain just does it naturally and I can't stop it. It's exhausting, but fun.

I was surprised by someone today. Very pleasantly surprised. Yesterday this person told me that he may do something but he wasn't quite sure if he could. I held no expectations about whether it would happen (this takes a lot of effort for me), and today I was extremely pleasantly surprised that he came through.

It's the surprises in life that make it so much fun.